A raging gunfight erupted on the streets of Canyon Diablo yesterday, when notorious outlaw Black Bart McClusky called out local resident and inventor Dr. Reinhardt von Kraag at the Gefroren Freud Ice Cream Emporium.
Although dismissed by many residents as a “tinhorn,” the good Doctor responded to the the challenge with true Western gumption, striding manfully, if a bit slowly, onto Main Street to meet his antagonist. Patrons who remained inside the Ice Cream Emporium included the children of Widow Parson’s bible study class, and well-known gambler and raconteur Mr. Malin LeBeau, as well as employees Rupert Hennessy and Jimmy Dengler.
As soon as Dr. von Kraag stepped through the door, McClusky reached for his pistol, but despite all expectations the elderly Bavarian beat the veteran gunman to the draw and shot him with several rounds from his custom-made Gatling Pistol.
A general skirmish then erupted, as several other members of the Canon Peak Gang drew weapons and opened fire on the doctor. Von Kraag took cover behind a nearby dairy wagon, and in the end, his scientifically-developed weapon proved superior, leaving two of the bandits dead in the street, Black Bart badly wounded, and the rest of the gang in full flight. The only other casualties were a pair of milk jugs.
Once the dust had cleared, Doctor von Kraag nobly treated his opponent’s wounds before sending him off to a cell in the jailhouse. As the crowd gathered in the aftermath of the battle, von Kraag made a surprising announcement, declaring his intention to run for the post of Sheriff. The Sheriff’s office has been vacant since the murder of James Beacham, the last to wear the star.
Although a foreigner by birth, Doctor von Kraag embodies the American ideals of Progress, Determination, and Service. If his scientific weaponry can bring an end to the depredations of the Canon Peak Gang once and for all, then he deserves the support of the electorate of Diablo Canyon.